How to Heal From Family Estrangement
Family estrangement is more common than you may think. Most of us don’t talk about it because we feel shame, stigma or dread the over-simplistic and judgmental advice, “Why don’t you just forgive them and move on?”
Yet, research by Karl Pillemer at Cornell University shows that over ¼ of Americans are estranged from their family members. The most common reasons for estrangement include unmet expectations, boundaries that are repeatedly crossed, mental health problems, in-laws, divorce, and financial differences.
When you are estranged it can feel like an open wound that never heals. It’s a chronic stressor. It pops up in your head when you least expect it, makes you sad as the holidays approach, and feels like a lead brick on your birthday.
Why would someone cut off ties from their family member? And,what skills do you need to heal internally, whether or not you ever see your family member again?
Resentment, wishing your family member will change, and blaming yourself takes a lot of effort. But so does setting boundaries, forgiving, and crafting a healthier relationship. To truly heal your inner conflict, it takes wise effort: the wisdom to know your values, and the effort to take action in that direction.
It’s your personal decision whether or not you want to reunite with your family member, or how much you want to engage with them. Whatever you decide, moving forward in your life is not contingent on your contacting them.
Even if you never decide to contact your family member again, you can heal. Try approaching your problem at the bio-psycho-social-contextual level.
1. Biological: When you are in conflict your body moves into fight, flight or freeze. Before you can act wisely, you need to regulate your nervous system. Polyvagal theory suggests that when you simulate the ventral vagus nerve through breathwork, movement and sound, you tell your body to move from threat into safety and connection.
○ Breath: Try box breathing, soothing rhythm breathing
○ Movement: Take up walking, yoga, dance
○ Sound: Listen to ocean waves, hum to yourself, try a sound bath
2. Psychological: Develop your psychological flexibility skills so that you can get space from unhelpful thoughts, stay present, and act from your values in relationship to your family member
○ Practice acceptance: see reality as it is, let go of trying to change your family member
○ Have compassion: start with yourself, then try to take your family member’s perspective, can you see that it’s hard for them too?
○ Defuse thoughts: Notice your unrealistic expectations and step back from the outdated story you are telling yourself by practicing cognitive defusion
○ Be open to forgiveness: Ask yourself, what is motivating you to forgive? Why does it matter to you? You can’t force forgiveness, but you can be willing to explore it.
3. Social: To improve your relationship, you are going to need to improve how you communicate with your family member.
○ Set boundaries: Make your limits clear and tell your family member what will happen if they cross them.
○ Be kind. Act in ways that demonstrate how you would like to be treated.
○ Get support: Seek help from a therapist or good friend. Don’t hide in shame or stigma, talk about what you are going through and remember that millions of people are going through something similar.
4. Environmental: Use your setting and context to support you
○ Create physical space between you and your family member as needed for you to feel safe.
○ Change the environment that you are in with your family. Try a public setting such as a restaurant, set a time limit, and invite people to come with you who support you.
○ Fill your personal environment with things that remind you that you matter, such as pictures of people who love you, objects that remind you of your strengths, or cultural/ancestral artifacts.
If you are struggling with estrangement or family conflict, remember that you are not alone. It can change, you can heal, and you can live fully, even with this struggle. Listen to this interview “It’s Your Mother’s Fault, Now What? to hear an inspiring story of how therapist Guilia Preziuso used these skills to reunite with her mom after a decade.
